My great grandmother was one of the smartest, wisest and most beautiful, graceful souls that I have ever known.  She was the sort of woman who wore pearls, carried a lace handkerchief in her black patent-leather handbag, did the crossword in the Herald every Sunday, read books that were 10cm thick (and would also skip over a page if it had a ‘swear word’) and she called everyone ‘darling’ or ‘pet’. She was also sharp as a tack and had an answer for everything; sometimes you didn’t get a say whether you wanted it or not. When we would go and visit (which was usually very often), I would go in and sit at her feet and we would chat about the most random things. She would usually have one of those monster-thick books resting in her lap and she would peer over her glasses as she offered me one (maybe two) of her chocolate biscuits.

I was lucky enough to have this beautiful woman in my life until I was 15. She died when she was 94 (and a bit) so here’s hoping I’ve got those genes! It’s funny how when you think back over things, many of the pertinent moments in your life usually don’t make themselves known until after you have been through them. It’s like life’s little way of saying ‘I’ll give you the punch line now, but I’ll tell you the rest of the joke later”. We don’t really get it at the time, but for some reason it sticks with us, only to make sense months, sometimes years later.

Out of all the conversations that I had with my Grandma, there is one that literally changed my life. I’ve been reminded of it a lot lately as I’ve chatted to my patients about dealing with difficult people or situations, especially this time of year. I can’t remember exactly how old I was or what preluded this conversation with her, but the wisdom of my Grandma went something like this:

“Darling, what you have to remember is that you can only ever expect to like 80% of someone or something. There will always be about 20% that you don’t really like. You have to think very carefully about this 20%. If it contains things that are against your values or your beliefs then you have to let it go and move on. Similarly, if the things you don’t like are taking up more than 20%, then it’s not the right thing for you either. But when you choose to love, you have to take on the whole 100%.”

She then leaned in towards me, she took off her glasses and said (and I remember this part so clearly):

“And just remember pet, before you go whinging about someone else’s 20%, remember there is 20% of you that they probably don’t like either, but have chosen to accept.”

And that has become my baseline for assessing many a tricky person or situation over the years. To be honest, I haven’t always had the maturity to handle it with the grace of my Grandma, but I’m hoping I get there one day. For now, I start by asking myself the following questions:

  • Does the thing/person/issue that is ‘ticking me off’ fall into the 20% or is it more?

  • Am I’m just being blind to the other good 80% of the situation/person?

  • Is the 20% I’ve identified something that I can live with/ am willing to accept?

As wonderful as the festive season is, it also has a way of stirring up many different emotions, but before you let yourself get too caught up in the drama, stop and take on some advice from my Grandma. Have a think about which side of the percentage bar the ‘annoying thing’ fits into before you get all worked up.

I’ve found that you can apply this rule to pretty much anything! Work, relationships, friendships…Make sure you think about the situation as a whole. What do you like about it? How is it impacting you as a person? What has been keeping you connected or holding on? Then think about that thing that has worked you up or upset you. How much weight does it hold? How much of the percentage does it take up? Is this something you are choosing to accept or are you letting it go?

Too often we stay in things or with people way past their used by date for a whole host of reasons and then on the other hand, we move on from others too quickly before we’ve given them a chance to fully blossom. Why is that? If I could ask my Grandma now, I’m sure she’d say it is because we spend too much time focusing on the wrong part of the equation. So this festive season, before you get into an argument with a loved one or stress yourself out at the shops trying to find the perfect gift, remember to do the maths and implement the 80:20 rule, that is, the one according to my Grandma.